13 days

13 days till guatemala!
Less than 2 weeks away.

Ugh.
Let me use this space to map out my chaotic day.

2:30- history of photo midterm.
3:30 - get copies of passport & license.
4:30- complete spanish book practicas & proyectos
5:30 drop off guatemala forms
6:30- address envelopes and complete Mexico forms
UGH.

i hate being disorganized.

Guatemala... here we come!

24 days!
24 days till Guatemala!

Lots has happened since my last post.
I got in my car accident, got a new car.
I decided that with car payments and guatemala, I just couldn't afford to go to Mexico this summer with my old church, New Providence.
I needed a pastor's signature on my Guatemala forms, so I decided to get Mike Flavin to sign off for me.
When I walked into the church for the morning service, a woman at the door welcomed me, and asked if I wanted to sit with her. She was just so friendly. After the service, I tracked down Mike, and told him about the accident, and that I just couldn't possibly afford Mexico.
He asked if I wanted to go. I told him "yes, butI just can't afford it"
He told me an anonymous doner created a scholorship for me to go.
WHATTTTT.
I started crying. haha.
He asked if I could still fundraise to pay for additional costs. I said yes.
The woman I was sitting with said "you're going to mexico? Here, mike, here's a check for $100. I want her to go."

I am still in shock. I couldn't believe that someone could be so giving and compassionate. I thank god every night.

I went to the Liquid membership dinner last night and finally became a Liquidite!
It's a big commitment, but it's really important to me. I'm so excited to finally be a member of a church that's so great.
I signed up to help out with LiquidKids and the greeting team.

I met with 2 of my prayer partners for the Guatemala team. It feels so good to return to my faith, in a concrete and real way.
I'm so excited for Guatemala, and to see what God has to teach me.

Please keep our team in your prayers!

Guatemala, here we come!

I feel like God has finally answered for my prayers.
I've needed... something. Something I couldn't explain.
I've just felt so empty lately, so useless.
I've prayed to God to not feel worthless anymore.

God has answered my prayers with a mission to Guatemala, only a month away!

I met my team yesterday. I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest. But I look forward to having great times with my teamates and growing together as we serve.

We're going to Hogar de Vida Ninez. An orphanage in San Andres.

I ran into a small issue. Girls are required to wear floor-length skirts... at all times.
So I went to Goodwill. The solution? KILTS!
I would never bring my good authentic scottish kilts. They're keepsakes, and expensive. And pretty warm.
But for $5, you can get a used kilt! Or a fake kilt! (which is pretty much just a tartan skirt. haha)

And they're actually skirts I would wear in real life. Well, some of them.

I'm one of 2 people on the team that speaks spanish. Haha.
But in the village we're visiting, most of the people speak dialect, so I'm not sure how useful I'll be. lol.

Please pray for our team!
And praise god for the opportunity to make a difference in the world!

as we age, we learn nothing, and my body still aches

Whatever it is that I had, it's not mono. For which I am eternally grateful.
I've felt like I'm physically deteriorating. But I'm feeling much better now.

I got new headphones so I can work on my Rosetta Stone more thoroughly. I crave knowledge of the spanish language. To me, it's just such a fun thing to do. I'm a dork, I know it. But for once in my life, schoolwork interests me, and i'm excelling. Thus, I'm embracing it.
I'm writing all my letters to Julio in spanish.
Hopefully i'll hear from him soon. WorldVision is investigating things for me.

My mom comes home tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.
Because honestly, I'm still mad.
I'm still hurt.
I'm still damaged.
And "i'm sorry" doesn't undo years or pain and deprevity.

I finally convinced my dad to come to Mexico with me this summer.
I can't wait. I love mission work. I love feeling like i'm making a difference.
I can't wait to be a nurse so I can just.. help people.
I'd love to be a crisis relief nurse and travel the world.

Which brings me to school. I finished off my first college semester with straight A's. Ok, sort of. I got a "D" in Dining Room. But in all fairness, I didn't even attend the final, so that's pretty fabulous. And I wasn't even supposed to be in that class, so, I don't care one bit. Everyone's allowed a "whoops... it was my first semester of college!" mistake. In my mind, I got straight A's. And it feels awesome.
Hopefully I can finish off this semester with good marks so I can get into a nursing program in the spring.

Well, I'm on an organizing/cleaning spree, which is pretty uncharacteristic of me, so i'm going to take full advantage of it.

adios!

A Lesson in Logic

I suppose it's wrong to be angry.
In fact, I'm quite sure it is.
She is, after all, my mother.
But am I a jerk because I refuse to fall victim to the collosal "Alcohol is a disease," lie?
Sure, tell the victims of families who lost loved ones who were killed by a drunk driver that the staggering drunk owner of the shiny sportscar that took away someone's life is not at fault. Oh no, they had a disease that flung them to the liquor store, and forced them to buy alcohol, and then, by god, forced the stuff down their throats. Oh, and THEN, it strapped them into a car and put their foot to the petal.

How about taking responsibilities for you actions. In the end, you choose. You CHOOSE to buy alcohol. You choose to consume alcohol. You choose to physically pick up a drink and empty its contents down your throat.
The so-called "disease," is no Catholic School nun that smacks you with a ruler and forces you to throw back drinks.
It's you. Accept it.

My entire life, I've pictured addicts.
I imagine what kind of broken homes they most grow up in, and what awful family conditions they are subject to.
In my mind, addicts didn't bake cookies on their kids' first day of school or take their sons to sports practice and help their kids with homework.
They didn't smile, or laugh, or walk the planet like normal people.

Until I realized that addiction has no face.
And that the same "perfect" suburban mom that heads my family was just a skein of yarn, rapidly unraveling.
And now, there is little left.
No happiness, no activity, no will to live.
No discipline, no willpower.
No maternal instinct, no first-day of school cookies.
Just an empty shell, that stumbles around the house, talking to the cat, that occasionally reminds me what a failure I am.

But of course, I'm the bad person.
I'm wrong for being angry and hating her.
I'm wrong for thinking that she's damaging me, and is responsible for taking about my youth and innocence.

You know what I say?
Talk to me when you've had to pick your mother up, half naked off the floor, while she asks you if you need directions to work.

I need to write. Not writing just is not an option for me.
This became increasingly apparent after my first semester of College English. Sure, I'm no Joan Didion. But I suppose I write for myself, and my sanity, more so than for an entourage of fans.

This blogs merely contains my thoughts about life and this world.
I'm opinionated, but I'm a person who dreams of making an impact on the world.
These diatribes, anecdotes, and random thoughts are accounts of the challenges I face regularily.
I hope you enjoy them, at least a little, if not as much as I do.